Have you ever felt like you were stuck in an endless loop of disappointments? Whether it was a rut in your career path or in your love life, it just seemed like everything was always going wrong, and every little disappointment felt like a big red flashback. If you know what I'm talking about, then you're probably in a rut right now.
Well, you have good company because I am in one myself.
See, we all intuitively think we have no control over some things: the promotions we get, the lovers we meet, the cards we are dealt... but we do have control over: the work we do to get promoted, the relationships we form with the people we meet, and the way we deal the cards. So we are not helpless after all, we are not puppets of fate, we are perfectly capable of changing our circumstances ...
If we could only change our mindset, but we can only do that once we have found the source of our anxieties. I know you've heard about The Secret and the New Age hype, so I'm not really saying much new here. But... I might as well share my recent revelation, in the hopes that maybe somebody relates, and - gasp - you reach a revelation of your own.
My problem has always been with relationships. I tend to fall for the same guys, suffer the same consequences, and then get back on the wrong horse again, thinking my heart just wants what it wants, so who am I to stand in its destructive way?
Well, I'll tell you who I am.
I am a woman stuck in the wrong mindset. I'm not always like this but when I find I am repeating old mistakes, this can only mean I have reverted back to my old self-sabotaging self. I dread this person, which is why I was horrified to recognize her in the mirror the other day. Needless to say, I'm at an emotional crossroads right now, and I have two options: decide to forever remain this way or fight to change it... again. Like I have done before and will probably do many times in the future.
Why do I put so much effort into fighting my destructive nature? I want to be happy.
Isn't this what we all want? Of course it is!!! So this is what I did: I went straight for the source of this internal need to ruin every chance of being happy in love. Maybe I don't believe I deserve it. Maybe I'm afraid the happy me in love wouldn't be as independent as the single me. Or maybe I'm just like everybody else: I refuse to let love in because it's too scary, too serious, and too sticking.
And so I dug deep to discover what was holding me back. Guess what I found out! I was stuck in the wrong mindset because I was not really being true to myself. (WTF?! I know better than that!) Truth is, for the past few months, I had not written a single word of fiction. And you probably know I'm a writer of fiction. It's my thing... the thing that makes me happy, fulfilled, and fills my life with purpose, joy, and focus. Writing is my lifeline.
By not writing, I basically stopped feeding my inner goddess, child, or whatever little person there is inside of me that needs food to prosper. No wonder I was reverting back to bad habits! I had forgotten that you must first love yourself to be loved... and to attract the right people to yourself. And who would love this person who denies themselves to be real? I don't even love that person.
A friend of mine reminded me today that we all need purpose. We all need to follow our personal legends. We all need to serve and feel useful. Most of all, we all need to feel good about ourselves. So I'm guessing if I sit down and write a chapter for my sci-fi novel, I'd go to sleep more easily and wake up more refreshed than I had been doing in a long time. So what the hell! I'll give myself permission to write.
And by doing that, I give myself permission to be happy. The rest will follow...