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Thursday, 28 July 2011

The Blog of Fame: Google Brain Farts

Brain farts are excellent brainy breakfast!

You know I was itching for a collaboration, didn’t you?

I check my traffic stats religiously. What I’m mostly obsessed about are the google searches that land people on my blog. But the idea for this post didn’t come from that. I read Roni Loren’s blog about her search jewels ages ago, and I was impressed by people’s savvy ways to find information online (not). Furthermore, someone reminded me of this on twitter last week, so I decided to nose around and gather up some google dirt for you guys. (Because I love you and I want you to live long lives—laughing helps.)

My blogger friends were quick to provide the info I needed and added their quips to what they found. Looking at these, I ask myself why I associate with these nutcases. However, having some odd searches myself, I’m in no position to complain. Besides, I’ve googled dubious things myself; I suppose I can understand the need to make a fool of myself when everything’s anonymous like that.

How to find my blog:

Wise dragon tattoos: If you’re tattooing yourself, go with a dragon. Apparently, they’re wise as well as pretty.

Man legs: Hehe. I am rather fond of those. Every week I make a showcase of my man legs photos. They’re wildly popular with cougars and gays.

Funny looking horses: Hey, my profile picture’s not that bad!

Baby Voldemort: I know there’s a creepy baby Voldemort doll on the market, but I have never blogged about it. Maybe I should have. I wonder if it talks… *mimics baby voice* Avada Kedavra. Hah, imagine burping Voldemort.

Alex Pettyfer now: Ok wait, let me check his schedule. *sweats*

How to find my friends’ blogs:

Jennie Bennett’s A Book, A Girl, A Journey

Someone found my blog using the keywords "Talking Kidney Beans". One of my very first posts was entitled "Christmas Kidney Beans" It was a heart warming story about my attempt to make Christmas stockings. Due to my complete lack of sowing skills, said stockings turned out looking like kidney beans. I could see how someone in search of a talking kidney bean would be attracted to my story. Yet, I have to wonder what would make someone go in search of a talking Kidney Bean in the first place? 

Avalon Jaedra’s Writability

"m a bit of a masochist" This one actually made me laugh out loud when I saw it because it seemed too perfect that the first weird Google search result that led to my blog would involve masochism. For the record, I'm not a masochist, I'm just a writer. At least that's what I said in my blog post about the never ending job of being a writer, that I suspect led to this search result...and that better be what connected my blog to masochism...MOVING ALONG NOW. 

"'aliens on vacation' clete" I have no explanation for this one. I think it might have to do with the randomness in my brainstorming post where I may or may not have had an outburst that went along the lines of WHAT IF ALIENS INVADED THE EARTH AND THEIR ONLY WEAKNESS WAS FERRETS. 

Ok, so I guess I do have an explanation. But my aliens weren't on vacation...or were they? :D

"Arrow of light ceremony ideas", for those planning to light the Olympic torch as a part of their wedding vows. I haven't used arrows in any post so I'm fairly certain this dropped them into the post on human sacrifice. Probably not what they were after.

My favorite though is,
"spiky pointed animals that live in Connecticut swamps 2011". I'm not sure what is living in the Connecticut swamps but I'm going to avoid hiking there until animal control is brought in. Spiky pointed? There is another kind of spiky? 

Michelle Simkins’ Greenwoman

"Coffee made from rat turds" I had to google it. I found this.

You can't make this sh** up (snort). 

What I've learned from this? Never combine a post about Coffee Mate creamer with the following quote from Remo Williams, The Adventure Begins: 

Chiun: It would be better for you to eat this can than what is inside of it. Why must everything in this country be coated with monositi-… monosoti…
Remo Williams: Monosodium glutamate. You can’t even say it.
Chiun: I can say “rat droppings.” That does not mean I want to eat them.

Carissa Elg’s My Inner Stillness

barenaked ladies
fancy virgo signs
get to the finish line
naked ladies
inner stillness bestowal
quit before the finish line
want to know your soul

Read more on her latest blog post.

D.Ryan Leask’s My Brain Farts Stink

This isn't my regular writing blog.  It has various odd sayings and quotes that I try to pump out on a daily basis. It's no surprise that I get the occasional odd search find me however:

Blog Nudista Is This Your Mom Wife Sister Aunt.  What the hell is that?

I replicated this search in both Google and Yahoo and did not end up at my site but I can tell you that there was a great deal of links to porn (then again if you search cuddly kittens you probably get even more).

Well, I guess we will never be able to fully get into the mind of the random internet searcher but that is not necessarily a bad thing, I don't think I would want to be knocking around in this person's brain, God only knows what you might find in there!

Rebecca Enzor’s Sticky Note Stories

Off the top of my head, the two blog searches that really stood out were "My Little Pony rape" (I REALLY hope that is a typo and they meant "My Little Pony RAP") and "Doyce Porn" (I had no idea Doyce was a porn star). I also get a lot of hits for "spanking stories" which is weird because I don't write stories where spanking takes place. Apparently people are under the impression that my blog is for erotic fiction, much of it featuring My Little Ponies!

Tiffany A White’s Ooo Factor

I ran an all-time search, and the most bizarro search that linked people to my blog (two times at that) has to be: creepy stencils.

I blog about television, movies, books, and authors primarily, never once have I even typed the word "stencil" yet alone used it as a tag.  How search engines linked two different people to my posts using "creepy stencils" is beyond me, but I'll take any hit I can get!  :)  So, I googled it.  My blog didn't pull up on the first page, so this took some dedication on the user's part.  Right?

(This is the point where you cover your kids’ eyes!)

I always check my stats to see which Google searches brought traffic to my site, because most of them are absurd. They're never anything nice, and range from "Wet+trip+cockslap" to “defecating+garden+gnomes" ... what the--? Yes, that's right: as my blog proves, I am a classy, classy bitch.

Public property destroyed - Ermm... seriously what have you been up to! 

Forget about the past and enjoy - now why would you be searching that? 

attack! attack! (us) – *hides under the stairwell and prays that the lunatic (us) doesn’t literally mean attack*

aww thanks for being who you are and thinking about me - *blushes* aww such kind and considerate words; I agree I am that fab, thoughtful person.

let me find my bearings – when did you lose it?  Why would you search it?!!!!

"I want fall with you ass"

I can imagine ass came from an erotica post made by the wonderful Bethany Halle but want fall with you…??? What's that all about. It's not even translatable to anything remotely sensible. And if it is, then what does it mean? I tried breaking it up.

I want. Ok. I got that one.
Fall with you. Hmmm. Not quite.
I want fall.. well, the hot summer weather bothers me too.
Getting closer, methinks.
You ass. Yup. Someone knows me well.

So: I came up with this translation and its meaning:

I want fall with you, Ass.

Meaning, I want fall to come and I want to be with you, you asshole, you.

I think I'm offended.

Amber West’s A Day without Sushi

"can you have curves at size 6"

To which I would like to say, SCREW YOU.  (Ahem.  You can.  And then I can hate you.)

Then there is "nathan fillion eyebrow", which, I know he's attractive and funny and oh so dreamily Canadian, but are we going to obsess about the man's eyebrows now? I promise, I haven't gone that far.

And, my favorite, "to be honest i never really liked you, anyway".  

Right back at ya, random googler, right back at ya.

Susan Sipal’s Harry Potter for Writers

Someone searched Google for "jinn piss" to get to my website. I'm writing a series on the Jinn and so I've put some pics up on my website as to what they and their world look like. I'm assuming someone misspelled Jin pics because I get quite a few hits for that. :-)

The majority of my blog is TwitterFic - ultra-short stories about my followers on Twitter. Typically, when people search me out on the Web, they look for "Diana Trees." I'm well enough known among the violent set that my name alone is a search term. But every now and then, people find me through the oddest of search terms: "porno me prift" stands out as the strangest search term ever used - and folks have used it twice to find my blog.

Gordon Bonnet’s Tales of Whoa

Okay, so I looked under stats, and the most mysterious one was that someone got to my blog by searching, "I saw a light with a vapor."

What the hell??!!???


Do YOU have anything to share with us? You know you want to!

P.S. Thanks for playing, everyone! This is one hell of a collection. :D


Tiffany A White said...

These are GREAT! I smell a blog series...

Thanks for the linkage!

Carissa Elg said...

Mwhahahaha! Brilliant, as always my dear! BTW- don't tell Gordon, but that was me. I totally searched the light vapor deal. *hangs head*

Anonymous said...

lol! These are hillarious! I was not aware how random these searches are -some people seriously have too much time on their hands -or not enough in their heads to be searching that -am I allowed to say that? *looks up hesitantly*

Lauren @ Pure Text said...

Hahaha, no searches as funny as these have directed people to my site, probably because it's an editing service. Little room for talk of coffee, turds, and aliens there. Lol.

Jen said...

Oh my goodness, I laughed so hard. Seriously, what are the random people of the world doing on the internet??? Makes you wonder how many other crazy searches are out there :)

Lyn Midnight said...

@Tiffany Oh how I love blog series like this. I'll definitely consider doing it again. ^_^

@Carissa Lol! I knew that this post would reveal some of the culprits. And I love the vapor thing. I wish I'd thought of that. :D

@Ozlem Haha. People sure search strange things. I actually have very strange searches under my stats every day but don't always manage to write them down. Too bad Blogger doesn't store all of them!

@Lauren I'm sure you do have some funny ones. I bet half of them get lost like mine do sometimes. Silly Blogger takes away the fun from blogging...

@Jen I wonder that all the time! That's why I did this. I found it funny that most people aren't as obsessed with this as I am. They should be, obviously. :P

Thanks for stopping by, ladies! :)

traceyhansenwrites said...

I forgot to send you min! DOH! Okay mine was somethig about women who use profanity or something like that. My friend Holly over at had a great one. MOMS WITH FAT ASSES. That one always makes me laugh. LOVE this post! I have to remember to keep better track of mine! Also, lots of people find my blog by googling 'books'. I'm not sure why that is, I don't do many book reviews. hhhhmmmmm.....

TL Jeffcoat said...

This is funny, I have a couple odd ones on my stats, but no idea how it pulled my blog. Nothing as funny as these. My sides ache from laughter.

Angela Wallace said...

Lol. Thanks for the laugh. I don't have any good new ones for my blog.

Michael Offutt said...

The internet is a random soup of chaotic searches just waiting to happen.

Kathleen said...

These are awesome!! The most interesting search leading to mine is "talking to a zombie." It is followed closely by "jason beymer." How they know I have him in my cellar I'll never know... Crap! Did I say that out loud?

Sonia G Medeiros said...

Hilarious! I especially love the pic of the brain farting. :D I have gotten a couple of strange search terms. The weirdest was definitely pornographic so I won't list it here. I have no idea how that term connected to my blog. *shrug*

Marjorie McAtee said...

My weirdest one has been "goldfish why don't you call me." I've had it two or three times as well. It baffles me every time.

katherine said...

This is great. Really Great. Reminds me of how I think I get thoughts sometimes. My brain feels like Google search results sometimes. Thanks for sharing.