...I am not that girl.
Okay, so this is going to be one of those random, rambling
blogs. Truth is, I can’t bring myself to form something coherent when I feel
this way. However, I just wanted to give the world a shout, seeing as I’ve been
quiet for way too long.
Some of you know I’ve been working as an au pair in London.
While I really enjoyed it, it wasn’t my dream job. Granted, the kids made it
all worthwhile, but I was basically in the middle of nowhere, and my friends
were miles away… and I’m 25 with no career plans in sight. Can you say
PATHETIC?
And now the unthinkable happened… I was shown the door
AGAIN. For the second time this year I panicked about where I was going to
sleep. So much so, I stressed out, got allergies all over my body, went running
around London trying to find a new job, and ended up realizing… I needed a
break.
I just needed a break from England. I had spent there four
years and that was enough.
I mean, for someone who enjoys traveling so much, I sure dug
my heels in...
And guess what: I live with my parents now. I am 25, no
boyfriend, no job, no income… no friends. Apart from some high school friends
visiting for the summer. All I have is this vague plan to go look after
children in Italy. While that sounds like a great adventure, I can’t help but
think… I am a failure.
I have felt that way for a long time and it’s a relief to
admit it.
Now that I think about it, it’s not the best idea to throw
this out there, in the virtual world where future employers might think ‘she’s
such a loser, why would I ever give her a job?’. Here’s why:
Because I am not giving up on my life. So what if I’m down
again? So what if I have nothing to hold onto? I have my family, my health, and
I have myself. Isn’t that enough to help me bounce back? There are so many
people with bigger problems than that. At least I have a roof over my head and
food on the table. At least my parents love me enough not to make me pay rent
right now. At least I’m working on my plan and I’ll be back out in the world
very soon.
And I am watching BEING ERICA a lot. If you haven’t heard about
it, you should google it. It’s the story of my life, you see. I know that Erica
found herself in a run at 32 and I’m still 25, but I just feel like I am her
right now, and I really want to turn my life around, like she did. So now I spend my days watching Erica fight and struggle to
fix her life, editing my book which is begging to be finished, and plotting my
next rise to the next challenge. Life is grand, isn’t it… I say this with a
tint of bitterness and a dash of good humor, because life – at its core – is both
tragic and comic.
As it should be.
