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Thursday, 14 June 2012

The Girl Who Seems to Have It All Figured Out...

...I am not that girl.

Okay, so this is going to be one of those random, rambling blogs. Truth is, I can’t bring myself to form something coherent when I feel this way. However, I just wanted to give the world a shout, seeing as I’ve been quiet for way too long.

Some of you know I’ve been working as an au pair in London. While I really enjoyed it, it wasn’t my dream job. Granted, the kids made it all worthwhile, but I was basically in the middle of nowhere, and my friends were miles away… and I’m 25 with no career plans in sight. Can you say PATHETIC?

And now the unthinkable happened… I was shown the door AGAIN. For the second time this year I panicked about where I was going to sleep. So much so, I stressed out, got allergies all over my body, went running around London trying to find a new job, and ended up realizing… I needed a break.

I just needed a break from England. I had spent there four years and that was enough.

I mean, for someone who enjoys traveling so much, I sure dug my heels in...

And guess what: I live with my parents now. I am 25, no boyfriend, no job, no income… no friends. Apart from some high school friends visiting for the summer. All I have is this vague plan to go look after children in Italy. While that sounds like a great adventure, I can’t help but think… I am a failure.

I have felt that way for a long time and it’s a relief to admit it.

Now that I think about it, it’s not the best idea to throw this out there, in the virtual world where future employers might think ‘she’s such a loser, why would I ever give her a job?’. Here’s why:

Because I am not giving up on my life. So what if I’m down again? So what if I have nothing to hold onto? I have my family, my health, and I have myself. Isn’t that enough to help me bounce back? There are so many people with bigger problems than that. At least I have a roof over my head and food on the table. At least my parents love me enough not to make me pay rent right now. At least I’m working on my plan and I’ll be back out in the world very soon.

And I am watching BEING ERICA a lot. If you haven’t heard about it, you should google it. It’s the story of my life, you see. I know that Erica found herself in a run at 32 and I’m still 25, but I just feel like I am her right now, and I really want to turn my life around, like she did. So now I spend my days watching Erica fight and struggle to fix her life, editing my book which is begging to be finished, and plotting my next rise to the next challenge. Life is grand, isn’t it… I say this with a tint of bitterness and a dash of good humor, because life – at its core – is both tragic and comic.

As it should be.