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Sunday, 26 June 2011

Silly Sunday: Two-Headed Aliens in Buses


OMG! That wasn't there last night!!! 

I need to remember that always, without fail, travelling equals silliness.

I travelled almost an entire day to come back home. I took three buses and one flight, wandered around airports and bus stops for a total of six hours, and had ample opportunity to get creative. No such thing happened at first.

So I decided to give my burnt out brain a break and opened The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. And there was Zaphod Beeblebrox, the two-headed President of the Galaxy who’s also quite the showman. Wait… two-headed? Think of the possibilities! A man singing a duet, reading two different books at once, and being the pot and kettle all by himself.

It was my thirteenth hour of travel, I smelled gross, was famished, and hadn’t had any sleep the previous night. So of course I started wondering what it was like to have two heads. Helpless against the plethora of questions that assaulted my poor one-headed self, my mind shielded itself by writing them down. Just in time for Sunday Somethings.

I blame not sleeping and Douglas Adams. They’re practically interchangeable.



The Nuts and Bolts of Having Two Heads


--Do you shave both? Is one smarter than the other? Does one age faster?

--Can one be black and the other Chinese? Can one have female features, the other male?

--I’ve said before that I consider it ridiculous to make twins look even more alike, but what if you have monozygotic heads? Does the same principle apply?

*

--Do they sync when they sneeze and cough? What about when they talk?

--Can a joke be more efficient if one heads leads up to the punch line and the other finishes?

--Do they assign each other to do different tasks? For example, one answers questions and the other tells the jokes? Is there a bridge between the brains?

--Why not make one talk in French, the other in Latin?

*

--Can they bend so that one can lick the other?

--Which head’s connected to which limb? Can the left foot make the right ear twitch?

--What about the head-to-limbs ratio? If one has two heads, do they need to have four arms and four legs?


--If one’s nose itches, could the hand responsible for scratching get confused and end up scratching the wrong nose?

--Do you have to powder both noses or does the good one suffice?

--Do they take turns looking in the mirror or are in each other’s faces all the time? (pun totally intended)

--If one eats chocolate, does the zit come out on the other’s face?

--If one of them is a hat model, does this mean the other should always take the punch?

*

--If they started fighting, would the head bump prove to be the most efficient conflict resolution? And how do heads work out anyway?

--If someone points to the sky, what is the probability of both heads looking up? I need numbers, people.

--If one said heads the other one tales, will the Universe implode? Will the coin?

--Is there a quota of heads an alien can have? Because if there’s more than two, I’ll need a calculator, some aspirin, and a Savant to help me work it out.

*

--Oh oh! I bet it’s damn hard to make one nod and the other one shake.

--And I’m envisioning a game of blow in my eye when boredom rolls in. What else is there to do?

--But wait. Think of the sexual implications now. So many different ways to go right and wrong there! Provided the two-headed mates find each other that is.

--Most importantly, if you’re an alien from outer space, what is the most efficient way to hide one of them?

--And finally, the most obvious question: Why the hell do you NEED two heads?



***

I can’t be the only one who wonders about these things… right?

If anyone has any insights, be my guest to answer any which one or to pose related head-scratchers  just as important as these. Come on, people. We need to figure this out before evolution serves us a two-headed surprise. 

7 comments:

Michael Offutt said...

Yuck. I think it would be quite a curse to have two heads. Double the trouble if you ask me.

Jemma Davidson said...

LMAO! This post is hilarious :)

If I had two heads it would take me twice as long to put my makeup on...maybe I could have a casual day look on one head and a stunning night time look on the other ;)

Lyn Midnight said...

@ Michael Haha, my cauldron is boiling, which means it agrees with you. :P

@ Jemma LOL. Oh jeez, what if you go to a club and they don't let you in because one of your heads is too casual? O_o

Thank you both for stopping by! ^_^

Amber said...

--Do you shave both? Is one smarter than the other? Does one age faster?

Yes, unless you are on a cruise.
Yes, the second one.
Yes, the left one, unless you live in England or Australia, in which case, the right one.

--Can one be black and the other Chinese? Can one have female features, the other male?

Yes, if it has at least 3% of those cultures in the bloodline.
Np. Unless it's a hermaphrodite, the characteristics will match the body.

--I’ve said before that I consider it ridiculous to make twins look even more alike, but what if you have monozygotic heads? Does the same principle apply?

Similar grooming is ok. Identical accessorizing is tacky.

--Do they sync when they sneeze and cough? What about when they talk?

Only for kicks.

--Can a joke be more efficient if one heads leads up to the punch line and the other finishes?

Yes.

--Do they assign each other to do different tasks? For example, one answers questions and the other tells the jokes? Is there a bridge between the brains?

The left side gets the creative stuff, the right the logic. If the being is female, there is a bridge. Male, then no.

--Why not make one talk in French, the other in Latin?

Because it's pretentious. Unless they are part of some monastic group.

--Can they bend so that one can lick the other?

Ew. I hope not.

--Which head’s connected to which limb? Can the left foot make the right ear twitch?

Left to right, right to left.

--What about the head-to-limbs ratio? If one has two heads, do they need to have four arms and four legs?

2 heads, 4 total limbs. Otherwise we are venturing into spiderlike country.

--If one’s nose itches, could the hand responsible for scratching get confused and end up scratching the wrong nose?

See, left to right, right to left. :)

--Do you have to powder both noses or does the good one suffice?

Yes, unless one side is going through a "dewy, natural" phase.

--Do they take turns looking in the mirror or are in each other’s faces all the time? (pun totally intended)

Only if the mirror is really small.

--If one eats chocolate, does the zit come out on the other’s face?

No, but if one doesn't share, it's likely they'll get punched in the face.

--If one of them is a hat model, does this mean the other should always take the punch?

If this is the primary source of income, sadly, yes.

--If they started fighting, would the head bump prove to be the most efficient conflict resolution? And how do heads work out anyway?

I prefer the eye poke, Three Stooges style.

--If someone points to the sky, what is the probability of both heads looking up? I need numbers, people.

75%

--If one said heads the other one tales, will the Universe implode? Will the coin?

No implosions. But there will be one pouty face on movie night.

--Is there a quota of heads an alien can have? Because if there’s more than two, I’ll need a calculator, some aspirin, and a Savant to help me work it out.

7. It's seven.

--Oh oh! I bet it’s damn hard to make one nod and the other one shake.

And don't even try rubbing the belly...

--And I’m envisioning a game of blow in my eye when boredom rolls in. What else is there to do?

Date each other's boyfriends.

--But wait. Think of the sexual implications now. So many different ways to go right and wrong there! Provided the two-headed mates find each other that is.

I am not qualified to answer this. Where are our romance/erotica writers?

--Most importantly, if you’re an alien from outer space, what is the most efficient way to hide one of them?

A coat from the 80s, with one large shoulder pad removed.

Lyn Midnight said...

Omg, Amber! How can I even begin to answer that, lol. You should have posted this on your blog or something, it's hysterical! :D

But I've learned so much from you about the whole two heads issue. Did you take a course on that or something? I'm asking because I'd like to take such course myself.

I'm glad you came back for another try. See, you are the only person who answered my questions. If I happen to stalk your ass a lot and ask you more funny questions, just know that you are my Yoda from now on. :P

Thomas McAuley said...

Not sure how blue you allow your blog to go, so I'll put a heavy lid on all I'm actually thinking about all this. The implications. The possibilities. The trouble. The advantages. What I do want to know, being an American who is obviously out of this particular loop -- what is "a game of blow in my eye." It sounds like a euphemism for something done after too much drink, but I have hunch that's not what you're going on about. What I'd like to further consider, however, moving away from that topic is placement of heads. Imagine the animosity between a "between the shoulders head" and a "between the hips head." How could the one on top not have a comical sense of superiority.

Lyn Midnight said...

What? There's no lid, trust me. I don't care about lids. In fact, I think they should all be executed or made redundant.

So... you know, when I imagine two heads looking at each other, I imagine one blowing in the other's eye if they ever get so bored, they'd rather do that than deal with the boredom.

Good point! Now, if we accept that such placements can be plausible, I imagine that they'd only be able to see each other in the mirror, which might not occur if they hate each other so much that they'd rather not see each other at all.

Then again, they will be able to talk... Hmm, and what if one head is loosely screwed and the other's all set? I imagine it'll be an outright war then.

Yes, I will have to factor this in too.