The All-Knowing Answers Google Questions

The all-knowing sees -and knows- all.

I’ve noticed some pretty curious (or confused) people have been flooding Google with their endless questions, and I thought, ‘Why not ask the all-knowing?’ I mean, Google’s not God. The all-knowing isn’t either, but at least he doesn’t want to be. 

So this post is for those wandering souls. (The complete list is here.)

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1. How to solve a rubix cube?

Looking at the World from the Bottom of a Well by Mike Doughty

Well that’s one way to do it. Change perspective.

2. How to get pregnant?

Telephone by Glee Cast

Oh yeah, phone porn. Don’t forget to get your phone condoms at the nearest station!

3. Why is the sky blue?

Someone’s Watching over Me by Hilary Duff

Aww. So we’ve learned one thing today: God has blue eyes.

4. Why is Michael Jackson white?

Escape Me by Tiesto

Some people escape in books or movies, others escape in games or work. Still third escape in changing skin color. Man, I can’t wait to write that report!

5. Why is there a dead Pakistani on my couch?

Elements of Life by Tiesto

Open your ears, All-Knowing! That’s a DEAD Pakistani we’re talking about.

6. Why is a raven like a writing desk?

Just the Way You Are by Bruno Mars

So… neither one is pretending to be anything else? Okay.

7. Why is Facebook so slow?

3am by Matchbox Twenty

Because the lunatics are over-trafficking Google at 3am. And because every time Google gives a ‘smart’ answer, people go on Facebook to explode about the news.

(Sign me off please…)

8. When will I die?

For You by The Calling

When you have someone to die for, DUH!!!

9. What should I do with my life?

Hurt Sumthing by Missy Eliot

Oh, I get it. Bite life before it bites you. Just don’t teach the kids that.

10. What should I be when I grow up?

The Time (Dirty Bit) by Blackeyed Peas

Clock-maker? Porn breaker? Professional question-asker? All good careers.

11. Which is the only king in a modern standard pack of cards that doesn’t have a mustache?

Cool by Gwen Stefani

The cool one. With the sun-glasses. (They sure have changed those packs.)

12. Which is one place penguins do not live?

Just a Dream by Nelly

I MUST investigate this. When was the last time you had a dream about a penguin?

13. Should I shave my pubic hair?

Katy on a Mission by Katy B

Here’s how you do this right: 1. Go to a crowded bar. 2. Find a good-looking Katy. 3. Get Katy drunk. 4. Invite her for a game of Battleship. 5. Get naked. 6. Ask HER that question. All-knowing out.

(HUGE bonus if you’re a girl and you manage to find a man called Katy.)

14. Should I break up with my boyfriend?

One by U2

Yes, and make it stick.

15. Should I go to law school?

Lovesong by Sylver

Yes. Ever since Legally Blonde, it’s been like the hot-spot for finding love. Lots of blondes have gone smart since that movie was released. Or maybe lots of law school girls have dyed since then.

16. Can I ever get out of debt?

Wonderland by Kate Ryan

Go chase the white rabbit and it won’t matter. (Get it?)

17. Can I ever drink again?

Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus

Go to a party or something. It’s a good excuse for drinking.

18. Can I be happy?

Get Stoned by Hinder

Hmm, I think the all-knowing’s found my stash… Hey, GIVE ME THAT!

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And finally, I’m leaving you with a couple of suggestions.

SONG OF THE DAY:

STRIP ME by Natasha Bedingfield

MOVIE OF THE DAY:

Morning Glory (2010)

Hey, the all-knowing says!